The most laughable thing that’s ever been said about me is that I “have a system for everything.”
My brother in Christ, I am goblincore exemplified.
my room is a dumpster fire of clothes piles and art supplies. i only have a sleep schedule sometimes. i’ve been known to spend days at a time doing nothing but staring into space and grunting half-intelligible greetings to my housemates while completely avoiding eye contact, because i woke up in a mysteriously weird mood that day.
who is more correct about who someone is—that person experiencing themselves or the people experiencing that person?
that’s not actually the point of this piece, but it’ll get us there. be patient with me.
the man who taught me trance induction claimed to have a strategy for everything.
he claimed that all of the things he did and said were pre-planned, set in place to procure a specific result. he said this with pride, as if it were the right way to be, the superior way to be. it took me 18 months to unravel the slimy pathways i’d entangled myself in because of his lack of facility with the unconscious. in other words, because everything had to be known, everything had to be intentional, everything had to be mapped and methodical and make sense, anything that didn’t was pathologised or even outright denied.
if you haven’t guessed, that relationship fucked me right up.
people who try to systematise everything are dangerous. this is why its comical to be seen as a ‘person with a system for everything.’ i have no idea what i am doing, and that’s okay by me.
the system itself—the one that i am a part of—is smarter than me.
when my body feels rigid from stress, i remember what water’s patience does to stone over time and i mimic that flow. when i feel alone, i remember that brain synchrony exists and recognise how, even in silence, i am connected to all the bodies that have ever existed. i notice my thoughts and the thoughts i have about those thoughts and the larger thought patterns resonating through the shared field of humanity. i watch them float like clouds across my clear blue mind, or i watch them get tangled in a midnight sea of overwhelm. i am only doing what every other system is doing: self-correcting, walking a tightrope, dancing with entropy.
ah yes, we’ve finally arrived at the point.
systems are self-organising. they express patterns and processes that can be generative, or destructive, or whatever combination of both. it goes without saying that i myself am a system, but i am not just that. i am a system within a system, and i am constantly learning and re-learning how to exist within this system.
most of this is unconscious.
people who are actually good at systematising aren’t trying to tell a system how to be. they aren’t imposing their will against the current of what is already set in motion. they are listening, mirroring, responding. they are modifying their behaviour relative to the changes in the environment.
go ahead and argue that this is a strategy—you’re not wrong. it’s just not what people mean when they say i’m methodical. it’s not what they think of when they think of someone knowing what they are doing. it is a style of being that appears chaotic as fuck from one angle and completely elegant and strategic from another.
it’s both. it’s neither.
trying to solve problems without understanding the complex nature of problems, how they arise, and the ripple effects of implementing change does not a good problem solver make.
surrender does. discernment does. the courage to not act does.
far be it from me to believe i am a good systematiser, or even a good problem solver. i really only have one insight to offer:
you cannot systematise everything, because the system is smarter than you.
we are inside of systems that are wider and wiser and wilder than we are. we are the systems and the systems are us. you don’t have to believe in one or more sentient creator beings to recognise the elegance of this. you don’t have to believe in one or more sentient creator beings to trust it’s unfolding.
remember, trust isn’t about expecting that you’ll get what you want. it’s about believing that you’re capable of handling what comes your way regardless of what that is.
may we cultivate resilience in the face of complexity.
happy underworlding.
my movement practise is kinda weird. wanna learn more about it? go here.
book a session or a bundle of sessions
sign up for my writing workshop (virtual)
say thanks with a one-time donation via venmo, cashapp, or stripe



I need to come back and reread this but I can say this is the type of writing and a topic that peaks my interest! At last!
yes. honestly, I don't think we are intended/wired to create systems. we are intended/wired to observe them and replicate them in our ways